Evil-Lyn – Angelina Jolie
The Character: The only female member of Skeletor’s gang of evil warriors, Evil-Lyn is also the only of Skeletor’s minions to have more than two brain cells to rub together.
But to be fair that’s not particularly hard, the rest of those guys spent most of the cartoon’s run-time running into walls.
So, she’s got beauty, brains, and fierce ambition (Evil-Lyn is constantly plotting against Skeletor, harboring plans to nick his powers and take over Eternia herself), sounds like our kind of woman.
The Actor: There’s pretty much only one actress with the chops to do justice to Evil-Lyn’s layered intensity: Angelina Jolie.
It also helps that they look like exactly the same person. Seriously, if one of them wasn’t a cartoon we’d be trying to hand her Oscar to a television.
Brad had better watch his back, that’s all we’re saying.
Possible Problems : These days, studios are casting so young we’re pretty sure the next Batman is going to be played by a baby.
Jolie might be seen as being a bit past it by the time He-Man eventually starts shooting. If that’s the case, Megan Fox would be a good swap.
Trap Jaw – Ron Perlman
The Character: According to He-Man creator Roger Sweet, Trap Jaw was inspired by James Bond villain Jaws, but we don’t remember Jaws having a robotic arm into which he could shove several different weapons. We also don’t remember him whizzing down wires using a weird loop in his helmet.
The Actor: Trap Jaw has so much going on with his face, it’ll take a master of prosthetics to bring him to life.
Step forward Ron Perlman, whose ability to emote through make-up work on Hellboy and, indeed, his massive jaw makes him the perfect man for the task.
Possible Problems: There’s a very real chance that Ron won’t be bothered enough about the character – who’s a bumbling idiot in the TV show – to sit in another make-up chair for hours and hours on end.
Still, he should read the comics, where Trap Jaw is portrayed as a psychotic mass murderer, as opposed to the comic relief of the cartoons.
Sorceress – Natalie Portman
The Character: Wise, beautiful and almost impossibly dignified, the Sorceress is the guardian of Castle Grayskull, the source of He-Man’s power. She also turns into a falcon whenever she needs to go somewhere, which is obviously awesome.
The Actress: Wise, beautiful and almost impossibly dignified, Natalie Portman is the guardian of our hearts, the source of Total Film’s power. She also turns into a swan in the film Black Swan , which is obviously awesome.
Possible Problems: Perhaps Portman feels she’s paid her cartoon franchise dues by appearing in the Thor films. But she would be wrong, because the two franchises couldn’t be more different. One involves a muscly blond man gaining power from a big weapon. The other involves… Wait, we’ll get back to you.
Mer-Man – Andy Serkis
The Character: A major character in every single version of the He-Man mythos (except the Dolph Lungren film) Mer-Man is king of the Eternian seas.
Despite his royal nature, he’s happy to serve as one of Skeletor’s sidekicks, which only underscores how awesome Skeletor is.
The Actor: There’s a good reason Mer-Man didn’t appear in the first live-action He-Man film Masters Of The Universe (1987). He would have looked absolutely ridiculous.
However, filmmaking techniques have moved on, and we’d suggest that the modern Mer-Man should be brought to live using CGI, motion-capture and the unarguable genius that is Andy Serkis.
Possible Problems: Serkis is known to go pretty method when researching film roles – he spent a great deal of time studying gorillas and monkeys for King Kong and Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes . We’re not sure he’ll be able to do the same level of research here. He could drown.
Mekaneck & Buzz-Off – Benedict Cumberbatch & Martin Freeman
The Characters: Meckaneck has a massive neck, which allows him to operate as a “heroic human periscope” for He-Man and his muscle-bound chums, which we’re sure isn’t the least bit demeaning.
His mate Buzz-Off is a giant human bee. We’re not making any of this up.
The Actors: Meckaneck and Buzz-Off have worked together as spies. Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman have worked together as detectives. One of them has a massive neck, the other one looks a bit like a human bee.
It’s a no-brainer, really.
Possible Problems: Cumberbatch and Freeman have another little franchise that’s currently causing havoc with their schedules. Something to do with Hobbits apparently. Also, we’re not sure if Freeman would be prepared to wear the bee costume.
She-Ra – Jennifer Lawrence
The Character: Yes, She-Ra was a different show, but if the people behind He-Man are smart, they’ll be thinking of an Avengers style crossover feature somewhere down the line, and She-Ra’s show had more than her fair share of brilliant characters.
Mixing incredible strength, super-speed and acrobatic skill with emphatic understanding, a psychic connection with animals, and healing powers, She-Ra is essentially the Jesus of the He-Man universe. If Jesus had a laser-sword.
The Actor: Jennifer Lawrence is almost too perfect. She balances toughness with intense beauty on a day-to-day basis, not least in X-Men: First Class and Hunger Games .
She is the best possible She-Ra and if they cast anyone else we’re going to be writing some stern letters.
Possible Problems: None. And we’ll get upset if you mention any to us.
Ram-Man – Michael Shannon
The Character: Essentially a human battering-ram. Don’t mention X-Men: The Last Stand ‘s Juggernaut to him, as he’s liable to launch himself at your nutsack.
Ram-Man was initially tricked by Skeletor into becoming one of He-Man’s most annoying enemies. But once He-Man calmly explained that Skeletor is, in fact, a massive tool, Ram-Man joined the Heroic Warriors.
The Actor: To properly express Ram-Man’s awkward path to becoming a hero we need an actor who can do difficult. Someone who can portray simmering rage beneath the surface of a character who is still essentially good.
Michael Shannon would be perfect. Also, and he won’t thank us for saying this, but he really does look a hell of a lot like Ram-Man.
Possible Problems: Like so many others on this list, Shannon is currently tied to another franchise, namely Zach Snyder and Christopher Nolan’s Superman reboot.
But if that doesn’t work out, at least he’s got this to fall back on.
Fisto – Joaquin Phoenix
The Character: The action-figure had a twist-waist, which produced a power punch.
The packaging suggested he was a “master of hand-to-hand combat” though we’d argue that the inability to use one of your hands because it’s permanently moulded into the shape of a giant metal fist might be something of a handicap.
But we suppose ‘master of punching’ didn’t have quite the same ring to it.
Whatever, Fisto’s another ex-villain who is brought to the side of good by He-Man’s moralizing. He’s generally more comfortable outdoors, and prefers living in the forest to spending any time in the Royal Palace. Gruff and contrary, Fisto is one of the more conflicted heroes in the He-Man universe.
The Actor: Speaking of conflicted, anyone who’s seen I’m Still Here will agree that Joaquin Phoenix is the master of playing contrary characters who enjoy spending time outdoors in the presence of a massive beard.
Possible Problems: It’s been a while since Phoenix did a blockbuster, and his inevitable Best Actor Oscar for The Master may well prove to be a stumbling block during the negotiation process.
Mantenna – Steve Buscemi
The Character: Okay, so technically Mantenna is from She-Ra and not He-Man , but he was one of our favorite toys, so we’re having him.
Also, any character that can shoot stun beams, freeze rays AND gravity distortion rays from his huge bug eyes is worthy of inclusion in our book.
The Actor: Steve Buscemi, if only to save on the special effects budget.
Possible Problems: We can’t think of a single one.
Tri-Clops – Channing Tatum
The Character: Forget the character, Tri-Clops was one of our favorite toys of all time. You could twist the top of his head to change his eye to triangle, circle or square! How cool is that?
In the cartoon, this gimmick allowed him to shoot lasers, and see through solid objects.
Tri-Clops is one of Skeletor’s main henchman, and will almost certainly appear in the movie.
The Actor: He’s the man girls want to watch strip, and the man boys want to see do comedy with Jonah Hill.
He’s worked with John Chu in the past, on GI Joe: Retaliation , which we would imagine would make him a pretty good fit for the tone they’re probably going for.
Possible Problems: The mask covers the top half of Channing Tatum’s face, which, we’d argue, is the best half. He might not be so keen to cover up those beautiful eyes, or that gorgeous forehead.
Writing this, we’ve just realised that we have a man-crush on the top half of Channing Tatum’s face, so at least this article’s served some practical purpose.